Premarital and Couples Counseling: Understanding Your Partner’s Dominant Emotions to Love her/him Better

Premarital and Couples Counseling: Understanding Your Partner’s Dominant Emotions to Love her/him Better

"The emotions we ignore do not disappear. They wait, grow, and eventually explode."— Harriet Lerner

In a relationship, we tend to analyze our partner’s behaviors: their reactions, words, and decisions. However, behind every behavior, there is a dominant emotion influencing their choices and actions.

Emotions are neither good nor bad. They are signals that express a need:

• Anger signals a need for respect or justice, or the presence of an obstacle preventing us from reaching our goal.

• Fear expresses a need for security and reassurance.

• Sadness reflects a need for comfort or consolation.

Understanding these emotions in your partner will help you avoid repetitive conflicts and strengthen your bond.

Why Is It Crucial to Know Your Partner’s Dominant Emotions?

1️⃣ Repressed Emotions Turn into Unresolved Conflicts

When a partner does not express their feelings, they accumulate tension, which later explodes into incomprehensible arguments.

Daniel Goleman, an expert in emotional intelligence, explains that unmanaged emotions directly influence our reactions and relationships. Repressed anger can turn into aggression. Unexpressed fear can manifest as excessive control.

Example: A partner who often feels rejected may react with jealousy or a need for excessive control without realizing that their insecurity is the root cause.

2️⃣ Dominant Emotions Shape Expectations and Reactions

If your partner often experiences fear, they will look for signs of security in your relationship. If they frequently feel anger, they have a strong need for respect and recognition.

John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, shows that our early emotional bonds influence how we manage emotions in adulthood.

Example: A person who lacked stability in childhood will naturally seek more reassurance and presence in a relationship.

Case Study:

Koumba and Christelle – When Anger and Fear Collide

Context:Koumba and Christelle have been married for four months and living together for five months, ever since they learned they were expecting a child. However, their relationship has been deteriorating since they started sharing a home.

• Koumba has a strong need for respect. Whenever he feels neglected, he becomes aggressive and prefers to avoid arguments by leaving the house.

• Christelle is a very anxious person, and pregnancy has amplified her fears. She is afraid of being abandoned and raising her child alone. Instead of expressing this fear, she tests Koumba by leaving for her parents’ house without telling him.

Result:

💔 Koumba feels disrespected, which makes him angry and pushes him further away.💔 Christelle waits for him to reassure her, but his absence makes her panic even more.

Their mistake: They react to each other’s behaviors without seeking to understand the hidden emotion behind them.

How to Better Manage Dominant Emotions in a Relationship

1. Identify Your Partner’s Dominant Emotions

Observe what often makes them angry or sad.What need is not being met?

2. Express Emotions Clearly

Instead of testing your partner, say directly:👉 "I need you to reassure me" instead of disappearing.👉 "I feel disrespected" instead of reacting with anger.

3. Offer the Right Response to Their Need

• If your partner often feels fear, show them they can count on you.

• If your partner often feels anger, acknowledge their perspective and avoid making them feel ignored.

Carl Rogers, an expert in compassionate communication, recommends listening without judgment and rephrasing the other person’s emotions to better understand them.

Why Is This Part of Premarital Counseling?

Premarital counseling helps couples:

1️⃣ Improve communication and avoid emotional misunderstandings.

2️⃣ Identify dominant emotions and respond to them appropriately.

3️⃣ Build a more peaceful and harmonious relationship.

Contact me, Marya Sirous, and let’s discover together how your relationship can grow stronger through mutual understanding.

To Reflect On:

"Listening to another’s emotions is giving them the space to exist and find peace."

— Deborah Tannen