Premarital and Couples Counseling: Understanding Your Wounds to Love Better

Premarital and Couples Counseling: Understanding Your Wounds to Love Better

"Past wounds do not disappear. They integrate, transform, and teach us to love better."— Gloria Steinem

Emotional wounds: An unconscious inheritance

Every individual carries emotional wounds from their past, shaped by childhood and life experiences. Just like physical injuries, emotional wounds that are not properly healed can continue to cause pain when triggered—sometimes without us even realizing it.

These wounds influence our reactions, expectations, and ways of loving.

But are we truly aware of them?

✅ Do you know your own wounds?

✅ Do you know how to protect yourself so they are not reopened?

✅ Are you mindful of your partner’s wounds?

Not knowing our own wounds can lead to impulsive reactions, projecting past experiences onto our relationship.

Why is understanding emotional wounds crucial in a relationship?

1️⃣ An unconscious wound drives our reactions

Psychologist John Bowlby, through his attachment theory, explains that early childhood experiences shape our emotional behaviors. For example, a child who experiences abandonment may develop an irrational fear of rejection in adulthood.

Example: Someone who was frequently criticized as a child may become overly defensive in their relationship, perceiving any feedback as an attack.

2️⃣ An unhealed wound becomes a source of conflict

Philosopher Paul Ricoeur describes how we carry "narrative scars" that shape our perception of the world. If we don’t identify our wounds, we may misinterpret our partner’s words or actions based on past pain.

Example: Someone who experienced injustice as a child might see injustices everywhere, even when none exist.

3️⃣ Understanding wounds improves communication

Carl Rogers, a pioneer of active listening, emphasizes that recognizing our emotions helps us express them without projecting onto others.

Instead of reacting with anger: "You never care about me! You always ignore me!"

✅ Try expressing your feelings: "When you don’t reply to my messages, I feel abandoned. I’d like to understand why."

Case Study: Jean & Isabelle – Learning to Protect Their Wounds

James and Isabel have been together for seven years. On the surface, everything seems fine, but every argument escalates into an uncontrollable fight.

James’s wound: He hates being called a liar. As a child, his half-siblings falsely accused him of lying, and his parents would punish him unfairly. This deep wound makes him react explosively whenever someone questions his honesty.

Isabel’s wound: She cannot tolerate injustice. She was unfairly punished as a child, which led her to become an adult who defends victims at all costs—sometimes overreacting.

The problem? When James and Isabel argue, their wounds clash:

🔹 If Isabel believes James is lying, she accuses him harshly, seeing him as the "wrongdoer."

🔹 If Jean feels wrongly accused, he explodes in anger, feeling like he must "prove" his innocence.

This creates a toxic cycle:

James yells to defend himself

Isabel escalates, convinced she is fighting for justice

The argument spirals out of control.

How did they break the toxic pattern?

✅ James learned to detach from others' opinions, realizing he does not need to "prove" his honesty.

✅ Isabelle accepted that the world is not always just, and that not everything is a battle between good and evil.

✅ They implemented a communication rule: During an argument, either of them can press "pause" to de-escalate tension.

How to protect your wounds while respecting your partner’s?

1️⃣ Identify your core wounds. Ask yourself: Which situations make me overreact? What memories do they trigger?

2️⃣ Express your vulnerability. Instead of blaming your partner, share your feelings: "You always accuse me!"✅ "When you don’t believe me, it reminds me of my childhood, where I was punished unfairly."

3️⃣ Recognize your partner’s wounds. When your partner reacts strongly, consider: What deeper emotions are at play?

4️⃣ Do not try to "fix" your partner. Healing is a personal journey. You can support your partner, but you are not responsible for their emotional well-being.

Why is this an essential part of premarital counseling?

A premarital counseling session helps couples identify and understand these emotional wounds before they become recurring conflicts.

🚫 Ignoring wounds leads to repeating destructive relationship patterns.

✅ Recognizing them allows you to transform your relationship into a space for growth and mutual support.

Premarital and coupls counseling helps you:

✔ Learn how to recognize and protect your wounds.

✔ Understand your partner’s emotional triggers.

✔ Prevent recurring conflicts and emotional outbursts.

✔ Build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

📌 Let’s work together to create a stronger, more conscious relationship. Contact me, Marya Sirous, for a personalized session.

To Reflect On

"The scars we carry do not define our future. It is the lessons we learn from them that shape our path."— Audre Lorde