Premarital and Marital Counseling: Understanding Your Level of Autonomy in the Relationship

Premarital and Marital Counseling: Understanding Your Level of Autonomy in the Relationship

"True love is not about dependency, but about two complete individuals choosing to grow together."

— bell hooks

Are You and Your Partner Truly Independent?

One of the fundamental responsibilities of parents, beyond providing love, security, and basic needs, is to help their children develop autonomy. Yet, many parents fail to prioritize this, often maintaining a form of dependence—whether emotional, financial, intellectual, or even spiritual—over their children, sometimes long into adulthood.

Some families keep control by enforcing moral values, others through financial dependence, religious obligations, or emotional manipulation. The result? Many individuals enter relationships without true independence, still subconsciously tied to the influence of their families.

On the other hand, some parents fail to equip their children with the necessary skills for independence. They expect them to "figure it out," much like throwing a child into deep water to teach them how to swim. While some may learn, many end up traumatized, unable to navigate life on their own.

If you or your partner belong to this category of individuals with "broken or clipped wings," it’s crucial to recognize these limitations and dependencies before they become obstacles in your relationship.

Why Is Identifying Your Level of Autonomy Essential?

1️⃣ Your Partner’s Dependency Can Impact Your RelationshipIf your partner has strong emotional dependence on their family or friends, you are not just marrying one person—you are entering a relationship with their entire circle.

If they are financially dependent on their family, major decisions in your life together may require external approval. Understanding these dependencies beforehand allows you to be conscious of potential challenges and to either work towards independence together or set boundaries.

2️⃣ Unrecognized Dependencies Create Hidden Power ImbalancesPierre Bourdieu’s theory of social capital explains how power and influence within a relationship are often linked to personal resources—financial, emotional, or intellectual. If one partner is fully autonomous while the other remains dependent, an imbalance may form, leading to frustration and misunderstandings over time.

3️⃣ Emotional Independence Is Key to a Healthy RelationshipEmotional autonomy means being able to regulate one’s own emotions instead of relying solely on a partner for validation or reassurance.👉 A person who lacks emotional autonomy may expect their partner to always provide comfort, solve their problems, or fill their emotional voids.

Carl Rogers, a pioneer of humanistic psychology, emphasized that for a relationship to be fulfilling, each partner must first take responsibility for their own emotions.

Case Study: Sudi & Olivier – Learning Emotional Independence

Context:Sudi and Olivier met through mutual friends. Both are highly educated, love their jobs, and frequently travel for work. They only see each other on weekends—when they are on the same continent.

During the week, they barely talk, exchanging only brief messages before bedtime. They cherish their weekends together and look forward to spending quality time as a couple.

The problem:Their weekends often do not go as planned. Instead of enjoying their time together, Sudi brings up all the emotional burdens she has been carrying—concerns about her divorced parents, family issues, or guilt about not visiting them. She relies on Olivier for comfort and reassurance, but Olivier sees weekends as an opportunity to relax and focus on their relationship, rather than dealing with external problems.

If Olivier fails to console her the way she expects, Sudi becomes upset, withdraws emotionally, and their weekend ends in frustration—only for the cycle to repeat the following week.

The solution:

✅ Olivier learned how to help Sudi close her "open emotional files" before they took over their weekend.

✅ Sudi worked on setting emotional boundaries, realizing that she cannot take full responsibility for her parents' happiness. She learned to give herself the love and validation that she expected from them, thereby freeing Olivier from carrying an emotional burden that wasn’t his to bear.

✅ By developing emotional independence, they created a healthier, more fulfilling dynamic as a couple.

How to Strengthen Your Autonomy in a Relationship?

🔹 Identify areas of dependence. Are you emotionally, financially, or intellectually dependent on your partner or family?

🔹 Set clear expectations. What role do you expect your partner to play in your autonomy journey?

🔹 Establish boundaries. Recognize what belongs to you (your own responsibilities) versus what belongs to your partner or external influences.

🔹 Work on emotional regulation. Learn to manage your own emotions without always relying on external validation.

Why Is This Important in Premarital and Marital Counseling?

Understanding your level of autonomy before committing to a lifelong partnership can:

✔ Prevent misunderstandings and power imbalances.

✔ Help you build a strong foundation based on personal growth rather than dependency.

✔ Allow each partner to fully flourish while still growing together.

I am Marya Sirous, specialized in couples counseling, family therapy, and individual coaching. I use techniques from psychology, active listening, and systemic approaches to help couples create fulfilling, balanced relationships.

Let’s work together to build a partnership where love thrives—not through dependence, but through shared growth.

To Reflect On:

"Being in a relationship is not about being two halves completing each other, but two whole individuals walking side by side."

— Esther Perel